Hentai - Porn For The Mentally Disturbed

Does the thought of fucking Pokemon give you a raging hard on?  If your answer was yes, then congratulations, Hentai is for you.  This obscure pornographic perversion is basically cartoon porn, and not even the Scooby Doo type that one might actually find amusing.  Hentai stretches the act of sex far beyond the beyonds of normal human sex, and would turn on only the saddest male living amongst us.

Before I spill my experience of cartoon porn with you, I thought I'd share a snippet of information about the vocabulary aka 'word info' of Hentai .  Hentai is a Sino-Japanese compound term and does in fact, not mean 'Cartoon Porn' to the Japanese, it actually has a negative connotation to the Japanese, and is commonly used to describe a creeper or a pervert. For example, "That taxi driver was such a pervert hentai, he kept staring at my boobs."  The use of the term Hentai to describe pornographic anime or manga is a Western innovation.  Ok enough of the boring stuff, on with the show!

You may be wondering why I would risk infecting my beloved computer with viruses shot from the cock of the internet while I was on an innocent quest searching for some hardcore manga porn.  Quite simply, I was under that wonderful spell of boredom.  I don't mind a good 'non-porn' Anime series, and I truly thought it would be pretty much the same, but with a lot of fucking, so after a bit of going nowhere Googling, I headed to the old faithful, Red Tube the Home of Free Porn, and low and behold a smorgasbord of 167 videos awaited me!  After browsing through some frightening titles like "In The Clutches Of the Sect 1 & 2" and  "Lovely Sex Android with Pink Hair", my first choice was the tame "Anime Couple In the Woods" (just for interests sake, as a recommendation I would pass on this one for this simple reason that it is dead boring).

With assurance from my up all night computer buddy, my voyeuristic need for some really out there Hentai would be fulfilled if I went for something more, well, Octopus themed.....so with trepidation I glided my mouse in the direction of a movie called  "Tentacle Hardcore", and pressed play. 

Ok, now it takes a lot to leave me speechless, but holy shit, the first time I sampled some tentacle sex, I was, quite literally, staring at the screen in wide-eyed shock with my jaw somewhere on the ground.

Although the non-human cartoon style "porn stars" are a bit freaky, it starts out like regular porn, with a close up of a hetro penetration position scene, which lasts about 30 seconds, then it's time to say goodbye to the norm, forever. Ten or so identical Anime girls are strung up and dangling from the ceiling where they are simultaneously given sexual gratification to every available nipple and orifice, including the nostril, by a robotic octopus with penis tipped tentacles.  Enough said, I'm sure you can use your imaginations or, if you're so inclined, even make up your own fantasy ending.

Hentai has no limits, it can involve anything sexual, and seemingly turn anything you normally wouldn't find sexual into a fuckfest.  Your basic Hentai menu will include lesbians, bisexuals, homosexuals, heterosexual vaginal sex, bondage, underwater, fairies, humans and animals, orgies, oral sex, aural sex, anal sex, nasal sex, S&M, slavery, dildos, strap-ons, anal toys and of course, getting done by slimy tentacles.  Any fetish you might fancy, even lesbians who can transform into giant penises and rape aliens with boobs that rotate with disco lights, well with Hentai you can have it, as long as you don't mind that Jenna Jameson won't be gracing your screen.  Instead, your consolation prize will be teenage girls with gigantic boobs, usually wearing surprised, little-girl expressions who scream "NO NO PLEASE STOP."  The thinner the woman, the bigger the breasts! Not to be left out of better body club, Hentai men possess enormous penises that are ten times bigger than what they should be.  

Being animated, Hentai can sometimes be even more sick, depraved, and downright revolting than any live action porn has ever been or ever will be, and to feature better women with breasts that defy the laws of physics, strangely colored hair and, sometimes, unexplained animal ears.

In a nutshell, Hentai has got all kinds of weird shit happening and will utterly destroy your sanity if watched for long.  Although, if I this were a Hentai, I'd just go find a tentacle monster......but in the meantime, you'll have to do!

Crank Up The First Person Shooters

If you've ever dreamed of being turned off men for the rest of your natural life, or you're just curious to see what goes on in the sub-conscious mind of  the "bottom dwellers" of the male species, a stellar display can be found with an easy click of the mouse.  A killer assortment of these socially inept morons regularly unleash their vulgarity in what can only be called their natural habitat: The Counter-Strike server.

Not being a gamer myself, I was unaware that this collection of douche bags even existed, until spending several evenings sitting next to one of these avid first person shooters, (who, for the record, I wouldn't call a "bottom dweller", he simply lives in a world of gaming). Truly, these men speak more shit than five year olds in a playground sandbox.  Check your head if you happen to fancy ANY guy who revels in this wasteland of losers.  Counter Strike boys are the creme de la creme of geeks you never what to date, let alone have sex with.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Counter-Strike, although multiplayer and interactive, it's a primitive form of online computer game, where the players break into two teams, the 'terrorists' and the 'counter terrorists' then proceed to kill each other until either the other side is eradicated or time runs out.....A simpleton computer game designed for simpleton minds.

To truly appreciate the low level of intellect held by the retards that indulge in this game, you need to have a mic plugged in, that way you won't miss the onslaught of really high tech terms like "Lock 'n Load", "Okay let's Go" and "Fire In The Hole" that are repeated ad nauseam over the voice server as these grown men, who are hiding at home behind their computer screens shoot invisible but lethal bullets from AK-42's at their friends.  If you're lucky enough to be sitting on the same lounge with an extremely passionate CS terrorist, you may even be treated to erratic, jerking movements.  If this is the case, you'll need to get a handle on the game, which trust me isn't that difficult, enabling you know when your coffee should be safely on the table, and not in pre-sip position.  

To add to the mystery of this primitive ritual, all players in the game spout some form of intangible language,  known as leetspeak or Hacker "Sp33k", that cannot be understood by an outside observer. Although by far the most offensive is to have to suffer through the sounds off grown men mouthing off racial slurs such as "You're a nigger", "Fuckin' sicko",  "Do you like, wake-up and have, like, three litres of hummus for breakfast", "Two fuckin' lebs having a go at each other for being lebs" and, the absolute gem "She likes my kebab in and around her mouth".  Sadly you can't make this stuff up, this shit real. 

What most of these guys should really be saying is "1 h4v3 4 5m411 d1ck".
English translation - I have a small dick.